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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

HEASTER BEARS & SPEECHIFYIN' FLANNEL MOUTHS by Shayna Matthews



I have a confession. Actually, it is more like a badly kept secret.

Hello, my name is Shayna Matthews, and I'm a grammar nerd. Multiple misspellings in a body of text will give me the shakes, and the misuse of words such as their, there and they're? Nooooooooooo! Please, make it stop! Now, with that said, misused grammar does indeed have benefits...IF it is used as a form of art.

You heard me.

Art. The art of bad grammar. Intrigued yet?

I was introduced to the art of bad grammar every year come Easter. I never really believed in the Easter Bunny-never saw a long-eared varmint hopping down the bunny trail to hide goodies for me. I had a different character altogether visit me every spring. He was big, brown and burly, and made me decipher his own language when I was just knee-high to a grasshopper. My Easter hunts started with a compass, and a letter with horrific spelling and grammar in shaky red pen from...The Heaster Bear. I imagine the shaky writing stemmed from that big bear's paw attempting to grip a pen, not an easy feat, no doubt! Of course, what do Heaster bears care about grammar? Not a whole heck of a lot, I'm here to tell you.

My entire childhood revolved around trying to decipher confounded clues and mentally cursing the necessary use of a compass to obtain a plastic egg filled with a few coins, perhaps a dollar or two? I mean, take clue #3 from 1994:

Frum heer luukin (S) 165 whuts a Pifer on a Beech?

Good golly, Mr. Heaster Bear, aside from the compass reading, I don't know, what the heck is a Pifer???!!! My clues usually included rifle rests, cwotches of twees, varmints, hoaks, currs and tommyhawks. Naturally, my Heaster hunts took me a few hours.

One year, I decided to get smart, and I fooled that old grizzled bear. We had a Mountain Cur dog at the time, and if you've not heard of the breed, look them up. They are an old 18th Century breed of dog known for hunting game, running and jumping. They were prized for the protection of forts and pioneer homesteads against Indian raids. Caddie was black with brindle markings, and I believe every word about the breed. She was the epitome of agility, the dog could jump 7.5 FEET in the air, flat-footed. We measured.

So that year, as I geared up with my Heaster Bear note to decipher, and armed with a compass, I loosed Caddie. That year, the compass was not needed. I merely followed the nose of my trusty Cur-she took me straight from spot to spot, sniffing out the goods, and after the last clue, ran over to my father and sat down, thumping her tail on the grass. Hmmm…was she pointing out the identity of the Heaster Bear? Thank you Caddie, good girl.

You know, come to think of it, I believe the following year the Heaster Bear left rather grumbled words about the use of Curs being against Bear rules. Rats.

I believe writers soak up their talent, drive and inspiration from an early age, based on the environment around them. My fathe-err, I mean, the Heaster Bear's notes were a creative struggle, forcing me to bend the corners of my mind to decipher meaning. Since then, The Bear has succumbed to progress-just a little-and uses a cell phone. I receive grand texts from him regularly, and they always make me smile. You see, I heard the Bear's growling over autocorrect...the system gave up, I swear I could hear auto-correct actually say "what the hell is that supposed to spell?" The app was turned off, and now those messages flow through to me like the art-form they are, unspoiled and uncorrected, bad grammar and all.

Bad grammar. I am a writer, and I fear it, generally speaking. But, aside from Heaster Bears, foul grammar still has its place in a novel. Dialogue. You see, I write westerns, and in some instances proper grammar is about as useful as a wind-break in a cyclone.

"COWBOYS" photograph by Shayna Matthews

Good dialogue is not always easy. One has to climb inside the mind of the character speaking and extract words they would say, even if they go against everything the writer says, thinks or feels. For me, it can be exhausting. But one of my characters in my current novel is easy-breezy. His name is Ryder, and he is an uneducated twenty-one year old Texas cowboy. By uneducated, I mean he hasn’t been "book-learnt". In the 1880’s, by the time you hit sixteen or seventeen years old, you were a man and therefore expected to do a man’s job. At twenty-one, Ryder is practically a veteran and will boast of his ability to fork a horse (or a woman) better’n any other critter on two legs. I asked Ryder what he thought of proper grammar, and he looked at me, tilted his jaw and grinned.

“Ain’t much on them fancy words citified folks sling ’round. Hell, I heard a big city fella speechifyin’ in town once; he was usin’ words so long I figured one of them’d fly outta his mouth and have nowhere to go ‘cept ’round his neck. That flannel-mouth wasn’t foolin’ nobody with his throat ticklin’, he just bragged himself out of a place to lean against the bar. No, never had much paw for them fancy words. Show me a man who can ride good as me, and I’ll think about bein’ impressed. Maybe.”

One of my readers asked me once, where my rich cowboy lingo comes from. I mirrored one of Ryder's broad grins, and answered with a laugh, "Aside from reading, research and imagination? Heaster Bears and the art of bad grammar."


12 comments:

  1. Nice, Shayna. I enjoyed the read.

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    1. Thank you, Connie! So glad to hear you enjoyed it! :-)

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  2. Good grief, Shayna. You really had to work at Easter, didn't you? So funny. My husband always created treasure hunts at easter for our kids, but since they couldn't read when young, he used pictures instead. Far less complicated than your clues! You definitely have a knack for cowboy lingo. I admit, I struggle with it. The more research I do, the better it gets but it's always something I'm working at and never entirely satisfied with. Great post!

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    1. Hi Kristy! Yes, I was put through the test every year come Easter-time, lol. I never grasped the simplicity of a basic egg-hunt because I never had one, lol!
      Thank you so much, I love to write a good cowboy character. Their language, speech and mentality comes to me easily, I've studied them for so long. On the contrary, I struggle with writing female characters - go figure.

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  3. Cute! Nothing like having to work for your treats. However, it looks like it set you on the path to clever dialog.

    Robyn Echols w/a Zina Abbott

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    1. Thanks! Funny how so many memories of our childhood seem to spring forth, molding us into the mindset of who we are meant to become.

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  4. How fun it that, to have your own special Heaster Bear. I love it, and love the lessons you shared with us. Never let grammar get in the way of telling a good story, is what I say. Here's to the story. Doris McCraw

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    1. Cheers, Doris! I am blessed to have my own special Heaster Bear, lol. My cowboys don't ever let grammar get in the way of telling a good story, so I don't, either. That's what is so grand about the art of storytelling! ;-)

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  5. I think you, along with your daddy's help, just invented a great character for a child's book. Just think of the adventures Heaster Bear could take the readers on with his trusty compass. Such an imagination. Now we know where yours came from. As far as not using proper language, language can differ state to state, region to region. I had honestly never heard the term, "Ginger" in regard to referring to redheads before or soda for pop. Here in Iowa its pop.

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    1. Wow, Barb! You know, I hadn't even thought about the possibility of the Heaster Bear as a children's book, but now that you mention it, I think you're right! It would indeed be a great children's story! The Heaster Bear knows all about adventures with his trusty compass, lol. I might have to write that. ;-)

      Language-my husband hails from TN, where everything is "coke" - you ask for a coke and then they ask whether you want coke, pepsi, root beer or sprite, lol.

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  6. Oh Shayna, what a delight it was to read your funny blog about your adventures with the "Heaster Bear." It was such fun getting a glimpse into your childhood and your writer's mind. I loved your Easter treasure hunts and your wonderful dog. I agree with Barb; you should use these childhood memories and Heater Bear in children's stories.

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  7. Shayna, I just got around to reading this, and I laughed all the way through. Memories of our childhood are so precious, and that one must keep you warm at night.

    As for dialogue, we share that in common. My dad's family were hillbillies, and proud of it. I grew up listening to all sorts of words and usage most people probably found downright bizarre -- but kids think whatever they're exposed to is just the way the world works. Consequently, my vocabulary includes includes a wealth of oddness. I like that.

    Give the Heaster Bear my best. :-)

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